Lawlessy Yours: Christmas rears its ugly head

Bill Lawless
Bill Lawless
Share this article

September – season of mists and mellow fruitfulness. Not.

It’s the season of the premature explosions of fireworks, the blatant blackmail of trick or treat, book now for your Christmas pub lunch, and should mother-in-law get the parson’s nose again? Not to mench the start of the Xmas sales.

Yes, we’ve got it all to come. It will be bingo for Wonga, a boost for family feuds and max-outings for the plastic. Debt in all directions until Crimbo, 2014. At least.

Anyway, I have solved the Chrissie present problem. This is not difficult with a bit of imagination and a seasonably bad.attitude.

For instance, Auntie Joyce, who wants to be a martyr for the badgers and would move in with them if she could fit in the tunnels, will get a sample copy of ‘Guns & Ammo’, the top USA huntin’ and shootin’ magazine.

I understand there is to be a special UK supplement on the merits of hollow-point bullets for badger kills and some tasty recipes for cooking them. My kid brother who is showing a certain amount of promise as a boozer will get a bottle of my special ‘extreme unction’ cocktail. This is a meths-based potion and renders paint stripper as harmless as a cup of Ovaltine.

The best meths, incidentally, is a 1987 ICI vintage which is so smooth you can give it to the vicar neat and unadulterated with his cucumber butties. Half-a-pint will curl his collar and do wonders for his next sermon. If there is one...

A faux leopard-skin thong is just the thing for elderly Auntie Ethel, whose nether regions are still protected by impenetrable ex-WD triple-gusseted woollen knickers she first wore in the ATS circa 1943. I have a young nephew who is deeply into grunge, garage and other ghastly music. He may consider a DVD of Handel’s ‘Messiah’ to be uplifting or downcasting, but bugger that, it is Crimbo and he gets what he’s given.

Offensive gifts can always be unloaded on the charity shops, which start receiving crap presents just after twelfth night.

Books are OK, too. For instance the ‘Profanisaurus by the Viz comic staff is the filthiest, funniest book imaginable. Super gift for a religious household. A boozy, bawdy lot will appreciate something light, such as ‘Pilgrim’s Progress’ or ‘A Complete History of the Coptic Church.’

Meanwhile, roll on the new year. And note the generous discount on Easter eggs...