Lawlessly Yours: These idiots should get the sack

Bill Lawless
Bill Lawless

I have decided to embrace the modern job description culture after years of fighting it. So farewell Lawless the columnist, meet Lawless, Media Pontification Consultant.

There is more creative activity that goes into coining the new job titles than there is in actually doing the job.

If I was the boss this would mean that any idiot who came up with something far out would be sacked for time wasting.

This trend has been gathering pace since management realised that many employees would prefer an impressive title to a salary increase. Thus a common-or-garden bouncer suddenly became a point of entry supervisor.

If it was really rough establishment with lots of drunks getting the bums’ rush on a nightly basis he would be a point of exit technician.

I knew one man, a much-feared ex-wrestler who was was known as an artistic departures director. It was rumoured that his victims reached Olympic-standard gymnastic gyrations before alighting heavily on the pavement. A more accurate job description should have been explosive exodus executive.

I personally held this man in the greatest esteem. Max respect as they would put it today. He was moonlighting once in a subterranean drinking club when he took a 15-stone mate of mine by collar and seat of the pants and slung him upstairs and out, a gravity-defying feat that would have caused old Isaac Newton to think again.

Back in the days when I was a real reporter on a Brighton evening newspaper I drank deeply with a van driver who delivered papers to newsagents. During the course of a single weekend he was promoted to field supply administrator.

His boss was not forgotten; he became the company’s fleet mobility executive. Not bad going for a simple transport manager.

In very much the same vein, petrol pump attendants are now forecourt operatives; supermarket shelf stackers are ambient replenishment facilitators.

Sheila’s father, badly injured in World War One, joined the Cunard line in Liverpool and eventually became staff manager, a big, important job. But he would not have been too impressed with the latest description of his employment –director of human resources.

I have just heard of an inner London authority which is seeking educational establishment refectory supervisors.

In the Queen’s English, I interpret this cobblers as having something to do with school dinner ladies...