Lawlessly Yours: How to keep things silent not violent

Bill Lawless
Bill Lawless
Share this article

Here is something I bet you didn’t know. Me neither until I just read it. The subject is a bit iffy, if not downright niffy, but the truth must be told.

When Russian cosmonauts come back to earth they remove their spacesuits and put on their civvies in a wind tunnel running at about regulo seven. Must be all those beetroot butties...

Anyway, this clears the air and negates the dreaded ‘fart in a spacesuit’ syndrome. After days/weeks/months in space you can bet they are somewhat high in more ways than one.

The Americans approach the problem of high-altitude wind breakage rather differently. They have invented the world’s first magic underpants. Their design and manufacture is hailed as a technological triumph.

The secret is a very special filter slap-bang in the epicentre of activity. The filter is made of odour-eating charcoal plus fibreglass wool and a secret ingredient.

We are not told exactly of the food fed to the US spacemen, but personally I would bet a fiver to a pinch of dried Mongolian excrement that the diet does not include comestibles such as mushy peas, baked beans, boiled cabbage, pickled eggs and goat vindaloo curry.

In other words, the official space control menu does not cause too many odoriferous problems to the magic underpants, it being mainly squeezed through a tube like toothpaste.

But never mind, it’s a breakthrough in keeping ‘em silent and non-violent.

HERE’s one from the jungle book:

A laughing hyena palled up with a silverback gorilla and while having a chat the hyena revealed he was being bullied by a lion. He said every night when he went down to he waterhole the lion pounced and beat him up something cruel.

The gorilla told him not to worry. He said he would lurk in the bushes and sort out the big cat if he tried it again.

Th next night, greatly comforted, the hyena wandered down for a drink. As usual the lion appeared, pounced, and knocked the living snot out of him. He staggered back to the gorilla and asked him why the hell hadn’t he waded in?

The silverback said: ‘Sorry mate, but you were laughing so much I thought you were winning.’