Lawlessly Yours column

Bill Lawless.
Bill Lawless.
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The silly season has ended on a very silly convulsion by a no-doubt desperate PR-man concerning that most ridiculous of all fruits – the banana.

He reckons that psychological profiles can be made based on how we eat ‘em.

This will doubtless come as a shock to you all, but banana eaters apparently come in various types which include munchers, nibblers, slicers and breakers.

I’ll spare you the full details, but munchers who take large gobfulls are positive and independent types – and possibily piggish eaters. (I said that last bit), while nibblers are thoughtful and cautious, presumably avoid ing a mouthful of bones that bananas mercifully do not possess.

Breakers rip the thing into chunks and gobble it down, which allegedly shows creativity and even sensuality. Not to mention sheer greed.

Total aggression is indicated by leaving the banana unzipped and ramming it up somebody’s nose. There is another suitable orifice but cannot be mentioned on a family newspaper.

Another area shamefully neglected involves the skins. A couple of these strategically placed on, say, a dark stairway can speed up descents and also expedite the departure of grandma and the subsequent inheritance.

It seemed to me at first that anyone who had anything to do with this ‘survey’, commisioned naturally by a major banana importer, were card-carrying fruit and nut cases or simply desperate to keep the business,

But maybe not. By the merest chance I had a banana in my lunchbox. I crammed it down and asked a colleague how he would describe my method of attack. ‘Wolfish, even frightening’ he said.

Surprisingly accurate, and explained my overwhelming urge to stuff bananas up the nostrils of all concerned in this witless exercise in psycho-babble.

Do you remember Ian Hislop’s famous pronouncement outside the High Court of Justice after just losing several hundred of thousands of quid in a libel action? “If that is justice then I’m a banana”, he said.

Notice the use of the word banana.

Anyway, stuffing one up the nose indicates latent violence, intolerance and professional inability to suffer PR fools gladly. Yep, sounds like me, folks. Maybe they’re on to something after all...