Lawlessly Yours: Alternative flu remedy

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Every year at around this time I have the flu jab. It must have worked because so far, touch wood, I haven’t had flu.

Mind you, there are worse ailments. At the very first signs, which usually occur on a cold, wet, winter Monday morning, you can treat it my way.

Oh, and practice a croak for when you call in sick.

You may very well find that not having flu isn’t half as much fun as having it and then curing it my way.

There is the immediate bonus of not having to wait in the doc’s waiting room which will be occupied by the usual suspects; a bunch of physical wrecks who can pass on just about everything from the common cold to galloping leprosy.

I reckon the doom room should have a skull and crossbones and a red ‘X’ on the door. And above it the encouraging phrase, ‘abandon all hope all ye who enter here’.

The only problem with my flu-beating recipe is that it does cost a bob or two. The NHS won’t want to know so in effect you’re going private. There’s posh for you.

Some folk I know have positively invited influenza just to be cured my way...

First, a shopping list.

It should include two large bottles of drowsy Benylin; two cartons of full-strength Lemsip; big tub of Vicks vapour rub; heavy-duty Sinex inhaler; a lubricant in the form of the mystic Oil of Olbas; three lemons; big pot of honey and several packets of Fisherman’s Friends.

Oh, and I nearly forgot: two litres of a good blended whisky (a single malt if you’re in the Harley Street league), one litre of Gordon’s gin and another dozen lemons to sling at anyone who gets up your nose.

Anything that gets down your nose is honked up into a commercial-size tissue, normally sold to the likes of the seven snotty orphans.

The timing is not particularly critical. At the first cough, sneeze or dewdrop swinging from the end of your nose you phone in to work and go sick. You probably won’t get your boss because he will be off sick too.

Then start on the benevolent substance abuse. Sink a large gin and Benylin every half-hour, and a Lemsip and honey every hour with a cupful of a good, smooth methylated spirits.

Every three hours make a toddy of a quarter bottle of whiskey with honey, hot water and lemon juice. Go easy on the water.

Then inject jets of Sinex up each nostril until it runs down your throat. Eat Fisherman’s Friends like Dolly Mixtures.

Hope you can find the nostrils. They are the hairy holes normally on the right and left on your nose.

Now hurry to bed before you bite the axminster with your eyes crossed and your jaw at a funny angle.

The flu germs will have been slaughtered like their lavatory bretheren with Domestos.

This treatment will not have cost the NHS a penny, although the cost to you will be considerable.

But hey, what’s your heatlth worth?