Lawlessly Yours: Age old battle of north versus south

Bill Lawless
Bill Lawless

The superiority of our north-west homeland has been underlined once again by the recent weather.

Winter finished about a couple of months ago when we were comfortable with no more then a thin sprinkling of snow while my sundry relatives in the south-east were being treated for frost bite with many of their extremities going blue.

It gave me great pleasure to listen to their climatic atrocity stories of digging out ancients from their granny flats while I told them yet again of Morecambe’s micro-climate and that our old girls’ only concession to the cold was two pairs of ex-WD knickers.

(Mind you, it’s only fair to say that these are considerable garments, triple gusseted, heavily engineered and ocean-going elasticated to prevent randy squaddies and Royal Navy stokers from gaining access therein.)

Much the same applied in reverse during the current run-in to autumn. While we are grateful for some decent weather, the other lot down south are shimmering along swooning all over the place and melting in their thongs.

Aged auntie Mary got frost bite when she fell asleep by the open door of her fridge with the temperature in the early 90s, the first case of frostbite in Tunbridge Wells at midsummer on record.

North is above a line drawn roughly between Bristol and the Wash. Below that line there be dragons, enormous mortgages and lousy sandwiches that they call sarnies.

A sarnie is a small triangle of wholemeal bread thinly spread with smoked salmon mousse, tofu, cream cheese and asparagus paste. This will be nibbled accompanied by a decent little claret of the three-for-a-tenner variety.

One good northern lad can eat 24 of these sarnies washed down with all three bottles of plonk, not because they’re very good but because he’s very hungry.

Back in his homeland, our hero will construct a butty. Slice an oven bottom in two and fill lower half with bacon, black pudding, sausages, two fried eggs, a couple of pickled gherkins and some leftover lamb curry. A couple of pints of Tetleys tanglefoot will help to swill it all down.

Just in case you didn’t know, the earl of Sandwich invented sarnies so he didn’t have to leave the gaming tables to eat.

The legendary Lancastrian, William Butterworth, invented butties so he didn’t have to buy pub lunches.