Lawlessly Yours: A cunning plan to beat the system

Bill Lawless
Bill Lawless
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Someone once said that the older you get the less things matter. Well, lots of things anyway. I reckon that’s right, innit?

What’s turned me all philosophical this morning are some new statistics concerning the conditions in which ordinary citizens are most likely to clutch their chests and gasp ‘goodbye cruel world’ or ‘goodnight Vienna’ seconds before they conk out.

This is one of those things that decidedly does matter, and the fact that you are verging on bankruptcy and your house is bristling with bum bailiffs is one of those things that don’t.

A heart attack need not necessarily assail one of the usual suspects.

You know, the purple-nosed, overweight, over-stressed executive who has just been passed over for promotion and spending a couple of hours of Egyptian PT with an exotic model and running for the last train after twelve gin and tonics.

Apparently, this terminal experience could have something to do with meteorology.

We are told that one-third of people stricken with a fatal heart attack hand in their lunch pails on days when atmospheric pressure rises or falls by more than ten millibars.

So, it seems a good idea to tap the barometer before consulting that young blonde contortionist who advertises heavily in public phone booths.

Another third of the toes-up brigade pop their clogs within two hours of awakening on a Monday morning, possibly thinking this is preferable to another week of drudgery at the office where the boss is a TB (total bastard) who objects to midday drinky-poos and the hilarious use of the photo copier for the duplication of bums and allied appendages.

Finally, the last third fall off the bough within two hours of having sex.

Way to go, kiddo, way to go...

Naturally, I have a cunning plan to beat the system.

The first third can be avoided by not working hard enough to get over-stressed. And don’t run anywhere, ever


The second third is not to get up on Monday mornings. Just phone in with a sickie and go back to sleep after a handful of Alka Seltzer washed own with a glass of gin.

Finally, have sex all the time and do not allow two hours to elapse in between bouts.

You know it makes sense...