Bill Lawless column

Bill Lawless.
Bill Lawless.

When it comes to sex the message to all you British studs is that you’ve never had it so – well, sorry boys, but not good. The word used is infrequently.

This sad and sorry allegation was the chilling message in The Observer a couple of Sundays ago when that usually unsensational newspaper picked up where the bold old News of the World left off and burrowed under the nation’s duvets for an action report.

Few details were spared. And here’s one that ought to make you blush with shame: the average British male has sex only four times a month.

But there’s little good news for women, too. Instead of going at it like an exotic Soho masseuse on piecework, the majority of women prefer to curl up with a good dirty book while men are more likely to be watching online pornography.

The last time I saw any allegedly reliable statistics was probably 10 years ago in a booklet compiled by Durex calling itself modestly a Global Sex Guide. This claimed that the average Brit was more than twice as active as he is today.

This was the same as Germans with the score at 112-all. But I expect the krauts beat us on penalties.

Continuing the international theme, The Russians top the legover league with a somewhat suspect 131 goals a year. Frankly, I think this is rubbish considering the amount of vodka they drink and the impenetrabilityof all those bearskin undergarments.

I have a very limited knowledge of Russia and believe me they are so permaently bevvied that they can’t take off their socks never mind fight their way through all those furry layers. And vodka, as is well known, is an antidote to viagra.

Probably the latest sex survey should be more reliable than the ‘buy me and stop one’ brigade’s, because in my extreme youth the condoms I hopefully carried around were mainly used for non-sexual purposes, like seeing how many gallons of water they could hold and flooding out the public bar. What fun! Unfortunately this wheeze got me banned from some of the best pubs in the area.

They were far from all used as Durex intended. We used them wholesale in the army to stop rainwater, spiders and stuff from getting down our rifle barrels. They wouldn’t stop a .303 bullet from proceeding up it though...