Bill Lawless column

Bill Lawless.
Bill Lawless.
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Seen that telly ad, have you? The one where this old geezer is sampling cheese from two sources – both delicious but one a sight cheaper than the other.

So far so good. Then he gropes in his beard, finds a bit of cracker, changes his mind and identifies the debris as last week’s sausage roll.

I am not a man given to scrupulous hygiene, but when he fishes in his beard and produces something horrible with all the aplomb of a stage magician pulling a cream doughnut out of his old hard hat it turns me up and definitely not on.

And yet I am no stranger to finding edible debris in a beard. A few years ago, when I had an impressive growth around my chops and rode fast motorcycles wearing an open-face helmet, I found all sorts of snoddiwigs in my beard, on one memorable occasion a nasty great cleg.

I found that a fast run on a summer’s evening between Carnforth and Kirby Lonsdale yielded the most productive harvest. Combing the beard over a newspaper on the kitchen table produced all sorts of snoddies, including one which could have made my fortune.

It tasted like saffron, then on sale at about a fiver an ounce. Truly. Trouble was I could never identify it despite sampling all sorts of wee winged beasties. If only I could have singled it out a fortune beckoned.

If anyone wants to continue my researches, the best place to collect the saffron-tasting snoddies was to do the ton-plus just the other side of Melling. I give this information freely, except for ten percent of the gross. Cone on, fair does.

The last time I saw this advert was during an hour of embarrassing bodies, is which sundry heroes, dropped ‘em, present various dodgy bits and otherwise reveal all to millions. What with the old geezer plucking ancient comestibles out of his beard, and young ladies with vast bosoms lifting ‘em up with great difficulty, it was all too much for me and I went to bed.

Don’t know about you, but I find it difficult to drop ‘em for the doctor, yet sundry heroes don’t hesitate to air their nasties to an audience of millions. It would give me the willies –and yes, there are plenty of those on display too.

Honestly, the things some people will do to get on the telly. As the presenters keep telling us: ‘there is no blame, we’re all the same’. Thank the Lord that I’m not the same as that bloke with the horrendous bum...