Bill Lawless column

Bill Lawless
Bill Lawless

The older I get the more I rejoice at thus far beating the odds.

The so-called experts who considered my lifestyle and reckoned I’d be lucky to see 40 have been confounded by the fact that I’ve nearly doubled that.

Mind you, this has been achieved at some cost. I wouldn’t claim that my liver and other lights are in pristine condition and would bear comparison with the insides of, say, a 20-year-old athletic Salvation Army sergeant who has entered public houses only to flog the War Cry to the bladdered patrons.

Take the kidneys for a start.

Don’t know that much about them except the lambs’ variety are great with steak and onions.

Don’t think mine would be great with anything, actually, but that’s a feeling I have in my water.

Liver? Well, let’s just say that if I’d swapped mine with George Best, George would have been on to a loser. As would Tutankhamen despite having 3,000 years to dry out.

Prostate? Well, I prefer not to think about that.

As an old sea dog I know that the kidneys are moored to port, liver to starboard while the prostate lies amidships and is approached by the medical professions from full astern. That brings the colour to one’s cheeks like little else.

There is an intimate relationship between the prostate and the bladder.

An alcoholic doctor once told me that a healthy young man ought to be able to stand in a pub’s trough-type urinal and pee a Swan Vesta matchbox from one end to the other.

Was a time when I could do that AND bring it back again to the starting place.

But now the high pressure years are behind me – I can hardly hit the back of the tiles.

Just thought you other oldies might like to compare notes...

RECENT revelations that David Cameron pays £90 for a short back and sides AND hands out an MBE to his barber surely provides an opportunity for our local MP David Morris to score some brownie points.

Morris, once a dab hand himself with the scissors and the curling tongs, should talk the PM into giving him a go at the boss’s lustrous locks. And he should do it on the house – and even in the House.

Short cut to a gong? Can’t think of anyone who would appreciate one more.