Lawlessy Yours column

Bill Lawless.
Bill Lawless.

When someone describes a recently departed citizen as a “diamond geezer” you may be excused for taking this literally. Because he just could be precisely that.

A company in America (where else?) has been developing a process for turning human ashes into diamonds by replicating the natural forces – extreme heat and enormous pressure – that create diamonds.

This is an endorsement of Shirley Bassey’s melodious pronouncement that diamonds really are forever. So if you wish to keep the geezer with you at all times you can get a jeweller to plonk him into a ring or a tiara or something and thus render him immortal. We are not told how much this will cost, but if the transformed geezer had anything to do with the Brinks-Matt gold raid, it will be chicken feed.

I prefer the old Lancashire method of keeping the dear deceased firmly in mind and at the same time making himself useful. Simply stick some of his ashes in an egg timer, making sure he’s been cremated first.

“Just turn him upside down and the owd sod does some useful work in the kitchen for the first time in his life,” said the widow Grimsdyke, grimly.

The flexibility of the term applies to all and sundry. Only the other week I heard of a vicar of an East End parish who had gone to his happy abode after a lifetime of good works. A member of the Parochial Church Council referred to him as a diamond geezer.

Meanwhile, a retired senior villain spoke in laudatory terms of his old mate Mad Frankie Fraser. Frankie, who is still with us incidentally, was the enforcer for a gang of criminals which at least rivalled the Krays in terms of villainy.

Frankie was a dab hand at extracting teeth and toe nails without benefit of anaesthetic with a pair of pliers. But apparently, according to the retired villain he was more sinned against than sinning. At heart, mad Frankie was a diamond geezer. And if you believe that you’ll believe anything.

It’s a good job the process wasn’t available several hundred years ago. I can just see Her Majesty regarding the crown jewels with suspicion and wondering whether that umpteen carat sparkler had been in a previous existence the biggest bastard in the kingdom who ate corgi puppies raw and seduced young domestics quicker than two strong men could throw ‘em on a bed.