Lawlessly Yours column

Bill Lawless.
Bill Lawless.

I won’t beat about the bush (that’s the Bull and Bush, obviously) but I have served my time in public houses. And then some.

In fact, if I had been paid the minimum hourly rate for all pub time in the last 60 years I would have enough wonga to buy my own brewery, with distillery attached, and build a circuit for racing one of my Manx Nortons or the Porsche.

A good few years ago we celebrated an anniversary by booking a table for dinner and a night’s accommodation in a deeply rural pub.

But dogs were not welcome, which was a surprise.

Anyway, we dumped the dogs with daughter and had a memorable meal followed by an equally memorable booze-up with sundry regulars.

At one stage of the evening a goose waddled in, ate a few crisps and did a comprehensive dump on the stone-flagged floor. I was so glad it wasn’t flying tonight.

About an hour later a man appeared and led a horse in the bar.

Both he and the horse drank copiously before clopping off ino the dark. I was even gladder that Dobbin wasn’t flying tonight either.

The following morning after a huge breakfast I thanked the landlord for a remarkable evening and said in all truth that I had never before drunk with a goose and a horse and wondered why the ban on dogs?

“It’s the bloody brewery’ he said, sadly. “They absolutely insist on no dogs in the dining area.

But there is no formal policy on horses and geese...”

I took a quick peep through the kitchen door. There was an eight-stone mud-covered Labrador curled up in front of the range, comprehensively licking its equipment. Wonder what policy the brewery had on that?

*******

My research into the awesome world of the politically correct continues. An animal rights group in Florida is opposing a university’s annual ‘cow bingo’ fund-raiser.

The game involves dividing a field into squares and punters simply bet on which square a cow will drop a flop. It’s a bit of fun that raises useful cash for charity.

The animal rights group wants it stopped because the crowd’s laughter humiliates the poor cows.

I sounds like a load of bullsh to me...