Lawlessly Yours column

Bill Lawless.
Bill Lawless.
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I read that journalists are right up there with estate agents as the most-hated professions.

Well, I disagree with the first, am completely in accord with the second and wonder why solicitors have been omitted from the public’s crap-list.

Once upon a time they advertised only by a discreet and much-polished brass plate on the entrance.

Nowadays they go pimping for business by asking for anyone who as much as stubbed their toe on a loose kerbstone to sue on a ‘no win, no cost’ basis. We, the ratepayers, ultimately pay for their successes and their failures.

But now they can help right here and now. First, a legal precedent. Lady ‘Bubbles’ Rothermere, was pratting about interfering in one of her husband’s national newspaper in his absence. A photograph appeared of a British bull which had just won an international prize and was poised to earn millions in stud fees.

Bubbles was appalled by the size of the bull’s dangly bits and thought they were unsuited to a family newspaper. So she had all traces of the animal’s prizewinning genitalia air-brushed out. Naturally the owner sued and won heavy damages. You would need a heart of stone not to laugh yourself sick at that.

Which brings me to my favourite magazine of my formative years. It was called ‘Health and Efficiency’ and showed hundreds of nudists playing squash, volleyball or mixed doubles. But it gave no hints of female mysteries. An amorphous blur admidships was all that could be made out.

Similarly, the male players had nothing whatsoever to be proud of. Where was the tackle? We thought that all male parts must get smaller as we grew up until they disappeared into another amorphous blob.

This was bewildering to say the least as everything we knew indicated to the contrary.

There was nothing amorphous about our adolescent blobs believe you me.

So all we need now is for half-a-dozen or so good lads who appeared in the magazine and who were emasculated by air-brush to claim that they were turned ino objects of scorn and to sue accordingly,

There’s got to be a fortune locked up in those puzzling but well-thumbed pages.

It is a matter of some personal regret that solicitors will inevitably be involved in the action, but they do have their uses.