Lawlessly Yours column

Bill Lawless.
Bill Lawless.

I am drinking a lot of cider these days. And I mean good old British scrumpy, not that feeble French imitation they call ‘cidre’. Frankly, I have no faith in a product that the manufacturer can’t even spell properly.

My conversion to the fermented juice of the apple is part of my good health drive aimed at my reaching the ripe old age of 80. If an apple a day keps the doc at bay, how about several compressed into a pint?

Experts have now established that cider is good for you, particularly the rough rural stuff that contains wasps, mice, spiders and other snoddiwigs, all of which go though the pressing process and add some useful protein.

I have never jibbed at a bit of rough and experts now say that a few pints of scrump contain the same level of anti-oxidents as red wine.

These as is widely known soak up the free radicals which damage cells.

(I once damaged a cell in the guardroom after a modest 12 pints of scrump, but that was when I was a squaddie a very long time ago before I knew it was a health drink. One lives and learns.)

Other advantages: If you can’t stomach solids, forget apples.

A few pints of scrumpo is the more pleasant option and still keeps the doctors at bay. Unhappily this does not apply to police doctors if you are unlucky enough to be caught after a spirited chase up the M6 and politely decline the aid of a roadside breathaliser. Frankly, that lot give me the needle.

You will also save a fortune on laxatives. Scrumpy will keep you regular like you’d had goat curry vindaloo rissoles for supper in downtown Mexico washed down with that cactus juice with a grub in the bottle. Clever really.

Three bottles of the juice will keep you happy and the grubs will provide you with supper.

Breaking newsflash: A group of dedicated artists at the Gorbals Alcoholic Research centre have just discovered astonishing health benefits in drambuie.

The dedicated volunteers have been working round the clock, and sometimes under it, to establish that it deals with surplus brain cells.

To sum up: two bottles of red wine, two of white, eight pints of scrumpy and a quart of drambuie will free mankind from all health worries, indeed from all types of worries whatsoever.