Lawlessly Yours column

Bill Lawless.
Bill Lawless.

A national survey conducted by PLOP – Public Lawless Opinion Polls - indicates that all 207,000 supermarket cashiers in the UK are in favour of thrashing badly behaved children who play up at their tills.

More than 95 per cent of the sample additionally said that mums who kick up a fuss when their offspring get slapped should be poked in the eye with a stick of rhubarb.

The survey followed an incident in which a four-year-old was slapped by a cashier who warned him that he had it coming if he didn’t behave himself. Well, he continued not to behave himself so he got what was coming – slapped legs. So nice to encounter a woman who says what she means, innit?

The ‘attack’ left him in floods of tears. She took him home and when he had calmed down the mother posted a complaint on company’s Facebook page and reported the incident to the police. Wasn’t that sweet of her? It was gratifying to note that she didn’t call in NATO.

A spokesman for PLOP, said that with the long school holidays coming up there would be more kids in supermarkets than ever and a touch of corporal punishment would be most acceptable to the “give ‘em an ear’oler” brigade.

He added: “What is really needed during shool holdays when droves of mums hit the supermarkets with their little darlings is a barbed wire enclosure where they can dump the kids while they do the shopping.

“Frankly, it would be even better if there was another amenity for the mothers who could learn secret disciplinary techniques without being dobbed in. This, we feel, is a much neglected technique.

“For instance, the old voluminous shoplifting coat can be wrapped round the child so no busybody could see discipline being administered. The shrieks would blend with the normal background noise. Cucumbers make a useful cudgel or even a head of celery.”

For this reason mothers should send as little time as possible in the hardware aisles. A surruptitious belabouring with fruit or veg is good. But not with a cleaver or a dirty great chef’s knife. Corporal punishment is one thing, capital punishment is another.

It has been suggested that unruly kids could be tied to posts at the entrance but I’m afraid dog owners barked their objections.