Lawlessly Yours

Bill Lawless.
Bill Lawless.
0
Have your say

Hard times have stunned the Lawless household. Sheila had a fall and collected three fractures in her shoulder and upper arm leaving her single-handed for the next few weeks. Meanwhile I am on a long course of antibiotics which leave me frazzled now and for the next few months.

So I’m in charge of all departments except chief bottle-washer. This is because there are practically no bottles to wash seeing that penicillin pills should not be swilled down with intoxicants and I am, therefore, on the wagon.

There is yet another horrible complication. I am also being treated for a bad dose of Mark 2 diabetes and the old plates of meat are so swollen that I can’t cram them into any footwear which means that I can’t drive.

If anyone knows of a source of extra-wide fitting size 14 footwear I would be very grateful to hear from them. If they were floated down from Barrow I could collect them from Heysham harbour.

I am well aware of the irony of the situation. Circumstances are driving me to drink but also stopping me drinking. All of which leaves me as dry as Tutankhamen’s clack after mummification.

That poor sod has been thousands of years without a drink. No wonder they bricked him in.

Scroll forward about 5,000 years or so and you will notice in this splendid little estate of pensioners wherein Sheila and I dwell. Tthere is a somewhat unhealthy interest in ambulances. Shutters twitched as Sheila was whisked off tp the RLI, and the following day a number of folk seemed surprised to see me, having assumed that the blood wagon had been sent to collect moi. Just goes to show –quite what I hesitate to think.

Anyway, once again I was well impressed by the efficiency of the NHS in this area. The ambulance men were marvellous, as was the reception at the RLI’s A&E department.

I was first acquainted with the paramedics at our previous address when I was tripping daintily across the road and suddenly the lights went out. I fell flat on my face. My nose took the initial impact followed closely by many of my other bits.

Family and friends gathered round as I received 20-odd stitches where my specs were shoved in my face. If it had happened to me in, say, Benidorm, I might have got on the telly but would certainly have been thumped with a dirty great bill. Thank Gawd for the NHS.